Irony = A Mean Man Who Loved Agrarian Life Now Pending Apple Tribute

By request, please select which portrait you think would make a better apple stencil.

How 'Bout This Apple?

Yes, that is an apple branded with my company's logo. Keep in mind that this is not a stamp on the apple, but that the apple has in some way been manipulated to grow this way.

I have a lot of feelings regarding this apple that I can't articulate yet...mostly regarding absurdity. Paramount, however, is that there must have been a lot of pre-contemplation that went into this gift...what is the lifecycle of an apple?

Future Events Such as These Will Affect You in the Future

Because I so do so love self-assessments, I have recently become obsessed with my results from Strengthsfinder 2.0. According to the test, my strengths are communication, ideation, strategy. I am also futuristic and an activator.

The book suggests that, because these five characteristics are my strengths, I should focus on them, and not worry so much about my weaknesses. To someone who is very good at trying to compensate for her own shortcomings, this is a nice sentiment. No longer should I consider how awful I am at sorting details, but instead I should try to hone in on the things in which I naturally excel, such as being able to see the big picture.

I can't help but feel that this adds a little pressure: to know that you could possibly outdo yourself and surpass even your own expectations. This assumes, of course, that the assessment is accurate, so let's just say it is. Essentially, to know you have these skills and talents, and then to take them to your fullest advantage...this is a big responsibility.

So, because of my apparent communication strength, I am writing a lot these days. Not just for writing's sake, but in an effort to be better understood and more understandable. Technically, I should be writing a lot about the future, as well, since I am supposedly, by nature, futuristic. At work, I often become frustrated with my writing, because of the quick turnaround time and the fact that I am often writing about things that I just learned about yesterday. It is hard to be clear and concise under such contraints. However, in writing about the future, I discovered that I will never be as terrible as Ed Wood. The following quote is from "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Please note, that the audience is first addressed as being interested in the future...so then, the narrator goes ahead and switches gears, and tells you all about the past:

"Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown... the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony, of the miserable souls, who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts of grave robbers from outer space?"

How I Am Different from my Best Friend:

I hear, "first date to a tree farm to chop down a little Douglas fir for the holidays", and I think, "Ooh, fun!".

She hears this and thinks, "he's probably going to chop me up and murder me!".

Dude, go on your date, text me with his license plate information, and stay away from the axe.

Have fun, be yourself.

Unlikely Super Heroes...

Aquaman is the most disdained super hero ever. Recent criticism of his lame super powers led to a correspondence between me and a friend regarding other unlikely super heroes.

Here are my contributions:

- Rocketman: the ability to hide his identity; he's not the man they think he is at home. Oh, no. No, no. He's Rocketman.
- Obamaman: the ability to convince a group of people you could be their leader even though your middle name is 'Hussein' and many of the people who support you spent the greater portion of this decade being afraid of Arabs.
- Particle-Man: the ability to be in a song by They Might Be Giants.
- Triange-Man: see above.
- Universe-Man: see above.
- Foreman: a renaissance man of sorts; he's a golfer, a construction worker, a jury member, a city in Arkansas, and, if the words "of Signals" follow his name, he is also the most highly qualified non-commissioned signal equipment managers and Incorporated Engineers in the Royal Corps of Signals.
- Bitterman: the ability to never-ever-never-ever-ever let go of a grudge.
- Walkman and Discman: both with the ability to become items that only those earning less than $20K per year possess after the ipod is released.

And, these were not some of my contributions:

- Hans Moleman - ability to perform as loveable simpsons character.
- George Foreman - ability to grill sausages.
- Moldman: the ability to speed up the molding process of food items (ie: bread)
- Landman: the ability to foresee the erosion of land for up to (and including) 10 years into the future
- Leiderman: the ability to be jewish
- Folkman: his gentle voice calms even the most hardend criminal.
- Milkman: can deliver milk and dairy goods on an almost regular basis.
- Tim the Toolman Taylor - can captivate an audience of millions with fresh, new ideas in comedy.
- The Belt Brothers: they borrow each others belts for the greater good of the galaxy.
- Talkman: he can talk really slow or really fast.
- Hoboman: can collect change from passersby in a matter of hours.

However, we could have never been ready for the power of Tree Man from Indonesia.

On Houses

When I first moved to Chicago, I started obsessing over saving money for a down payment on a condo which I intended to purchase during the summer of 2008. Reality (not realty) set in gradually over the next few months: I have no idea where I will be living and working in three years. I don't want to make an investment on something I will have to turn around and sell so quickly. I also don't want to deal with the property management of renting to someone remotely.

Around the same time, Matthew started continuously asking me if I would like to go in on a down payment on property in Colorado. His intention was for me to front the down payment on a foreclosure that he would then fix up. However, we wouldn't flip the house, but rent it instead.

Less than lukewarm about the idea of making such an investment my own brother, I flew off for Denver the Monday before Thanksgiving. After midnight, Matthew asked me if I could be up at 7:00 in the morning, so that we could drive around and look at foreclosed properties in the greater Denver area.

Obviously, he was serious about this. But I was serious about my vacation and sleeping in. A fight quickly ensued. "You think I am a bank; you didn't even warn me that we were looking at properties in advance." In the long run, and without any tears shed, I realized that I am not so much worried about losing money as I am potentially ruining my relationship with my only sibling.

As the week went on, and we hiked around the NCAR grounds and the Rocky Mountain National Park, the altitude and scenery got to me, and I am once again considering saving up for a down payment for next summer, but this time in Colorado.

I returned to Chicago, wondering if development is somehow in my family's blood. The men on my father's side have either built their own house or build houses for others. My father is an architect, and my brother is now obsessed with property management after having earned his appraiser's license and in the process of acquiring a brokerage license. With this thought still in mind, I opened my email only to find out that my cousins just purchased a home in Croatia.

I guess you can't deny who you are. Just as much as it may be my brother's inclination to renovate and manage a house, it has always been my inclination to save money for the purpose of investing. On my mom's side of the family are those with an inclination for legal matters, so I guess we'll be sitting down with them soon.

*If Matthew ever sends me pictures from my trip, I will post those soon.*

DIY Home Repairs with Katie

What to do when your carbon monoxide detector is beeping every minute:

1) Drink one glass of grenache, two gin and tonics, and one-half of a bottle of Trois Pistoles.
2) Assume that the detector is hard-wired to electrical circuits in the ceiling (therefore also assuming that the problem is not a low battery).
3) Stand on the tallest, most unstable chair you own and start unscrewing the contraption and all wires from the ceiling.
4) Watch as sparks fly.
5) Fix the fuse you blew.
6) Notice that the contraption is still beeping, and insist on thowing it out your balcony door.
7) Heed the recommendation of your friend who instead suggests that you put the detector in the freezer.
8) Go to your room immediately and pass out.
9) Wake up the next morning and retrieve the carbon monoxide detector.
10) Notice the 9-Volt battery inside and say oops.

My Thoughts on Open Mic (This Doubles as a Multiple Choice Quiz)

Open Mic Night is:
a) therapy for poor people
b) not somewhere a wool dress should be worn
c) free, but ironically costly at the same time

In order to have more fun at Open Mic Night, the following is/are required:
a) cheap beer
b) bad beer
c) someone who approaches you to say, "Miss, you look sharp"


You will see the following performances at Open Mic:
a) people who sing through their noses
b) people who write songs with self-pitying lyrics
c) lots and lots and lots of guitar

After Open Mic Night you will:
a) almost forget where your friend's car is parked
b) wake up at 4:44 am with a hangover
c) wonder if the organ player and guitarist on the right are married

Guillermo Del Toro is Coming Out with a Christmas Movie!

I love Del Toro, because I secretly believe in ghosts. And because, let's face it, Hellboy is an awesome movie. Maybe we should even go so far as to call it a film.

Pardon my pun, but I am way behind on my Del To(u)rism, and finally watched "The Devil's Backbone" last night. [Spoiler warning]. Ok, worst case scenario for an adult murderer: not only is your victim avenged by a group of boys about half your age, but, as you are thrown into the same pool in which you drowned said victim, you are embraced by his ghost, knowing that you will spend an eternity in the same confines that hid your most vile sin. This is way messed up, but everything I have seen by Del Toro is so brilliant.

That's why I am worried about The Orpanage. Seriously, watch that trailer and tell me it's not a little too similar to everything else he's done. I realize that a beautiful and sad story of regret or wrong-doings will be unveiled, I already know that the child will experience some coming-of-age moment through his bravery (in other trailers it is evident she has a son). I know that the ending will be sad, but will not leave me feeling unfulfilled, and that through some ironic twist, it will almost seem to be a happy ending.

If I am wrong, I am sorry. If I am right, I probably still won't be sorry. Because it will still be a ghost story, and these are so rare these days, unless they are totally pointed at the teenaged "Scream" audience.

Catching Up on Lost Time

It's been awhile. Which means I have both random and serious thoughts to share with all y'all (translation: the two people who read my blog).

1) Oil of Olay Products are superior to all other products, no matter what the guy at the Benefit counter says.

2) The most fun Halloweens ever are spent among lots of gay men, and usually involve a parade of some sort through the most homosexual part of the city (see San Francisco, 2000; Chicago, 2007; future Halloweens in other gay areas).

3) The best thing for a good workout regimen is a healthy long distance relationship. I rode the red line home with a coworker last week. She had been in a long distance relationship all throughout undergrad and will be marrying that same boyfriend soon. She thinks that a long-distance relationship is harder once you start working, because without someone to come home to, you could possibly convince yourself not to leave work. Not so...as long as you have two spinning instructors who are on a first-name basis with you and a pilates instructor who knows you are the one in her class that gets the horrible toe cramps. If you have the morning and evening schedules of the front-desk workers at your gym memorized, you are most likely in a long-distance relationship. If you have utilized most all offerings of your gym, you might be in a long-distance relationship. I am happy to know that with my resting metabolic rate and activity factor I can eat upwards of 2400 calories each day, but I still miss Nathan. This is pathetic.

4) Are you ready? This is actually pretty deep. I am politically moderate, a centrist, if you will, along with the majority of other Americans. I am really thinking it is time for the centrists to revolt against religious and political zealots (who elect individuals with extreme beliefs in local elections). When these elected leaders eventually find themselves in big-time politics, they really make our country look bad. And extremely conservative. Or extremely liberal. But we're not either, or at least the majority of us are not. I don't know what the moderate slogan would be: "I'm in the middle; hear me roar!"? In numbers too big to ignore? No, we're big in numbers, but definitely ignored. It has always seemed to me that political involvement is a bit too passionate, too fervent. To the point where it's scary. But, being middle-of-the-road, I just can't go out and stand in the middle of the road with a sign that says "While I understand the consequences of abortion, and believe it should be rare, I also believe it should be legal, because we can't assume that we understand every woman's unique position". I don't even know if that would fit on a sign. I just don't know.

I am accepting slogans now. Also, be it known that I likely wouldn't have gone on this rant if my day would have been a little different two Saturdays ago.

Unsafe at Any Speed

(The alternate title for this entry is "What Are You Running From?")

Nathan officially picked the worst marathon ever for his first.

Highlights:
Record highs in the low nineties
Over 40,000 runners originally enrolled
About 10,000 runners decided not to run before the race began
Another 11,000 didn't finish the race
Over 300 were treated for dehydration and heat exhaustion
About 50 people were hospitalized
One 35-year-old man died
Refreshment booths ran out of water
The marathon was cancelled about four hours into the run
Nathan ended up in a medic tent at mile 23
The woman who placed first collapsed afterwards

I have never been more convinced that it is just not healthy to run 26 miles. (But I totally support you in your next event, Nathan. Just try to shoot for something in Northern California.)

A Life Well-Documented

Nikki convinced me to sign up for Facebook. Three weeks and seventy friends later, it has not been that traumatic. Kudos to the girl I have not been in touch with since high school and who tracked me down, making me her friend. I now have centralized access to about one-third of all of the people I may ever want to talk to. It is fun.

It is also overwhelming.

Upon enrollment, I apparently automatically invited half of the people in my gmail address book. I have been tagged in eleven photos, and have installed functions that allow people to ask me the question-of-the-day and receive free gifts that so far appear to be illustrations of animals in trees. I am a very passive facebooker, and I essentially just let this stuff happen to me.

I seem to be alone in this, but my ultimate frustration is that I don't like to document what I have done, and where I have been. Not because I am paranoid, but simply because I don't understand what has changed in the world that makes people want to know many, many details about people without talking to them, other than the fact that the technology now exists.

And, also, I am a little paranoid.

So, bear with me as I struggle with the utility that facebook has for me. I am definitely undergoing some sort of sensory overload that has kept me from blogging. In the meantime, I will continue to not document my obsession with working out, my new found love of piano, accomplishing my most pathetic life goal of witnessing Bjork live, spending way too much money at the Mall of 'Merica with Adrienne, and traveling.

Car: No More

I feel like this is the end of an era for me.

I really have no sentimental attachment to my car, but for me it has represented a small sense of achievement, because it was literally the first thing I ever paid off (still working on the college loans).

I posted the car on craigslist earlier this week, and heard from a guy who wanted to buy the car for his son who was going away to college. After he drove two hours to come and check it out on Friday, we learned that the battery was dead since I had left the overhead light on since Monday. Oops.

After all is said and done, this slideshow is a little tribute to the Escort. The buyer is at the bank right now, and on his way. I can't explain if I am anxious, because in some ways I am selling the car which to me has always been a lifeline. Maybe I am just relieved that I will no longer drive around in circles looking for a parking space in Wrigleyville. The truth is, I just don't know how to say goodbye.

I Woke Up with the Power Out!

I was on the phone with a Fidelity

representative earlier this week, and he asked, "How's the weather in Chicago? I am coming there later this week!"

Up until then, it had been gloomy and drizzly, and people were generally pissy the previous weekend. Most tragically, I think the Chicago Air and Water show was even poorly attended. I told this nice man that the weather had been clearing up.

I am a liar.

Yesterday at 3:30 an announcement at work sent me and all of my colleagues into the stairwell for one-half hour, including Sejica, who decided to bring four down pillows that had been delivered to work for her (these are the things those of us without doormen have to endure). I think the reasoning was that they were the only things at her desk that weren't insured.

After work, on my way to happy hour, it took me about a minute to get from the car to the bar, but it looked like someone had pushed me in a river, in spite of my umbrella.

When I got home, my neighbors were using their cell phones to navigate the hallways and stairs at my apartment complex. The power is still out at my apartment. As my houseguests, I hope Angie and Nathan won't mind my lack of air conditioning or light...or tv, radio, etc. I have battery-powered nothing.

With no power at home, I just decided to go to the gym this morning at 6:00 am. These pictures were taken during my morning commute, and are titled: "Physics Makes Us All Its Bitches".